Life is beautiful!

I’m sitting outside on the patio of one of my favorite bars in Austin, though its name escapes me at the moment. It’s south beyond the main drag on South Congress next to Ruta Maya, a great conversation bar at which I have many fond memories. The chill remains from a lingering winter but the warmth of a propane heater (you know, those UFO looking ones?) pairs well with my cold Fireman’s 4 Ale. Across from me sits one of my greatest friends, my cousin Daniel. Daniel is a great skeptic or a great realist depending on which side of my argument he’s chosen.

On this particular night, Daniel confides in me that he has decided to propose to his long time love, Monica. I’m not surprised. Daniel is as lucky to have Monica as she is to have him. Scientifically, they make a wonderful match. I always think of them as being old, perhaps because they both have such mature souls suited with youthful humor. I see them sipping on Monica-prepared-espresso lying in bed while working collectively on a crossword puzzle through the morning.

As we continue to discuss his marriage intentions we arrive on the topic of children. I have always sensed that Daniel’s interest in fatherhood is as extensive as mine of the chemical make up of matter. I wondered how this would fair with his bride-to-be, who strikes me as the motherly type. I can’t speak to the outcome of my inquiry because my memory, as you may note from my inability to recall the name of my favorite bar, is not my most desirable feature. But his skepticism of the human race continues to stir my stomach.

This was a couple of years back when Daniel explained to me that in addition to not desiring to contribute to an overpopulation of this Earth or to take more from her than he provides, he struggled to understand how someone could want to bring a child into such a cruel world.

This conversation’s particular remembrance comes as Daniel recently wed Monica and as I recently have brought a child into the world. Remarkably I have come to find great light and purpose in my cousin’s skepticism and could not agree more with him.

Now, years later, I’m lying in bed as I do most nights, waiting on Beth to get off of work and enjoying the peace of silence that is my baby girls safely sleeping. Tonight though, I am not alone. Snuggled up next to me is my newest baby girl, Luca Pilar. She was born just two weeks ago, June 18. I am so in love. She is a beautiful gift in every way. God has given me more joy than I could possibly have imagined. In just one year, I have a complete family of three incredible daughters and a wife whose motherly passion is unrivaled.

Honestly, I thought it would be different, holding Luca for the first time. What she has taught me is that being a father is less about blood than love. I feared and frankly expected that when I met Luca I would instantly love her, my only birth daughter, greater than Graesyn or Sidney. They are mine as she is.

Which brings me back to that conversation at the bar. I also wish not take more from this world than I give back to it. I also am fearful of bringing children into this ever increasingly cruel world. In my baby Luca snuggled up to my bear chest, I see hope. In my sweet Sidney, resting peacefully in her crib, I witness a glimpse of peace in the chaos of modern society. In Graesyn, tossing and turning in protest of bedtime, I find great expectations of waking life.

The cruelness of this world which Daniel and I both see is only to be feared if there is no response. My goal as a father is to raise children who understand the importance of cultivating kindness and compassion and who have the means to prevail against hatred and cruelty. As a father, as a husband, a cousin, a son, a friend, I intend, through the help of God and family, to leave more on this great Earth — in the form of stewards of Christ’s love — than I have expended.

Luca means bringer of light. May she be a constant reminder to shed light where there is darkness. Her middle name, Pilar, is a tribute to my abuela. While it saddens me that Abuela is in such a mental state that she may never come to know the honor, I pray that little Luca Pilar will follow in her bisabuela’s footsteps. Abuela truly is a pillar of resounding compassion.

I ask for your prayers of strength, patience and wisdom as we welcome our newest addition to the family. I also extend my prayers and congratulations to my great friend and cousin, Daniel, and his wonderful wife Monica as they begin their own family. Primo, we have much to celebrate! In this cruel world we have found much beauty!

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The difference of a year

One year ago exactly there was a boy. He had little direction in his life. He was living in a foreign town with only as much as a few mistresses to call friends. He drank too much and was taking full advantage of living out an alter ego he had long played out in his head. He was a Buddhist with with no home. Lonesome as he was immature. This is a story of that boy becoming a man. What a difference a year makes.

That night, a year ago today, I met my soul mate.

When I moved to Asheville I joined an online dating site to meet new people. One morning I received a message from a woman who had no pictures and very little information on her profile. The message read something like, “Hey, you are cute. Here is my number, text me and I’ll send you a pic. I promise I’m pretty.”

The message was so strange. Ordinarily I wouldn’t dream of responding. Curious I was more than anything, I texted her. Immediately I received a picture of this beautiful green-eyed blonde. So began our month long text affair. Instantly it was evident that we had very similar, dark, sarcastic senses of humor. I would go to bed sore from laughter. Occasionally we talked about deeper subjects and I always felt so connected to her words.

One day, she stopped responding to my texts. I only sent two – and I suppose I never made any effort or indication that I wanted to be more than texting friends – but it felt so strange and unnatural to overly pursue a woman who I’d never met. I must admit though, I was sad and I thought about her often.

Several weeks later, on Mother’s Day, she popped into my head. I thought about texting her a message wishing her a happy day (she had birthed two children — one was four years old and the other, I believed was two), I couldn’t muster up the nerve to do so. Instead, I flipped through our old messages, laughing and smiling the whole time. The very next day, out of nowhere, she texted me.

Our text affair picked up right where it left off.

Finally we agreed to meet on Memorial day. “I think everything is in line for this to be a memorable Memorial day,” she joked that morning. Indeed. We decided to go to a park near my house to play basketball and grill. She called me when she arrived outside my place to pick me up. God, I can’t even describe it. You know that feeling when you are searching for the right word but it won’t come to you, your mind just goes completely blank? She was that word I’d been searching for my whole life. All at once everything I’d been thinking and feeling and saying made sense.

She was wearing the most adorable outfit. I think that was actually my first thought, “this chick is an f’n badass.” She had on this white, cutoff sleeve t-shirt, with a bright rainbow design on the front. Underneath that was a bright blue sports bra and she had on hot pink shorts.

I had planned an evening at this near by park. First, I challenged the former high school basketball star to a game. You can imagine my surge of confidence when she, unknowingly to me, allowed me to dominate the game. I kicked her butt! My heart still beats faster remembering the way her skin felt as I pressed my hand against her to box her out from the basket.

Next, I put the ball in my court by putting my culinary degree to good use. I grilled up my famous crack chicken, some mixed vegetables and a couple of local sausages. I had misinterpreted some of her texts to suggest that she was a complete health freak so everything was organic and low fat, even the drinks I brought. Not a second passed from the time that I pulled all of our food off the grill and the downpour of rain. We ate under a covered picnic table and the clouds forced her to remover her sunglasses. I saw her eyes for the first time. Even now, as we speak, she is sitting across from me and I see what I saw then — the most beautiful eyes! Eyes so full of love and passion you never wan to escape their gaze. If I had to pick one moment, it would be that, the moment I knew a year later I would be sitting across from her with rings around both our fingers and certain eternal love.

As the rain cleared, a beautiful rainbow appeared. In that rainbow God came alive in my life. He graced me with a covenant that if I follow Him and submit to His will He would always provide for me.

Later, we sat in her car and talked for hours. As we spoke, we created the thesis of our love, a foundation to which we still often refer.

From the moment we first met, we have been inseparable. In the past year alone, I have become a husband, a father to two girls with a third one on the way. I gave up nothing for everything. In ONE year!

No, it has not all been a fantasy world. I have had moments of great desperation, moments I thought I would lose everything, moments of intense frustration. But here I am, one year later, a man. A man with the greatest wife who has helped turn me to God, who has helped prove love conquers, who has given me the greatest joys of my life in my two daughters and has allowed me the newer joy of being a part of my third daughter’s life from conception, who has given me great self-confidence and brand new life.

Daily I struggle at upholding my manhood, but daily I am reminded of that rainbow. God continues to show me the miracle of love through the vehicle of my amazing family. Today I celebrate in remembrance of my God who has given me such a great life, of my wife who has shown me the intensity of love when faith is at its side, of my children who have demanded a father worthy of their love.Image

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The Optimist and the Pessimist

A few months back, my wife shared with me this classic tale. In my own words, this is the story of the Optimist and the Pessimist, followed by a reflection:

Once a mother gave birth to twin boys. Though the boys were identical in appearance, their personalities were as different as night and day. When one was too cold, the other was warm. When one was hungry, the other was full. Opposite in every way, one was an extreme optimist, the other a gloomy pessimist.

On the twins’ birthday their parents decided to follow the advice of their doctor. They filled the pessimist twin’s room with every toy imaginable. The optimist twin’s room they piled high with manure.

That night the parents passed by the twin’s rooms. They heard the pessimist crying aloud.

“Why are you crying?” the mother asked.

“I have all the toys in the world but I can’t play with any of them. They might break and get ruined. I might lose some of them. I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can even play with them anyway. It will be too much reading and I will be too tired to play once I have finished.”

As they passed the optimist twin’s room, the saw him dancing for joy as he dug through the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” asked the twin’s father.

The optimist twin giggled, “You can’t fool me! With all of this manure, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Often times I live as the Pessimist, always finding some cause for diversion from the acceptance of the many gifts in my life. I become engulfed in fear and shackled by a self-inflicted worry. In a room filled with tools to bring me great joy and happiness I stand paralyzed, unable to act through my anxiety.

Now I am reminded: in the worst of times, when everything seems to be fighting against us and the weight of the world is on our shoulders, a reason to be joyous always exists. Sometimes it can be through simplicity. Instead of recognizing all the negatives (my life is hard, my life is stressful, my life is overwhelming, my life is depressing, etc.) I find optimism in simplicity. My life IS! And how blessed am I to have life. Fresh mountain air and smiling babies, the warmth of a woman and of the sunshine, unexpected laughter and expecting life!

Where, in the midst of your manure-filled room, will you find your pony today?

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Faith and Family

This blog began as a spiritual journal. The journey from then to now has been filled with insightful moments which have led to greater clarity and a strong affirmation in my beliefs.

In a recent job interview, I was asked what brought me to Asheville. “Faith,” I confidently replied. There was a period in which I had many uncertainties in my compelling call to Western North Carolina. When I met my wife and my baby girls, I felt certain that fate had drawn me here to fill an inexplicable void in my heart. Now I see that my family is not the destination but an instrumental part in the journey. They have become the greatest platform for my communication with God.

My relationship with Christ has been a difficult challenge — one filled with great doubt and hesitation. It is easier to be distracted by fears of the unknown than to submit and trust in His power. When I hear Sidney’s precious chuckle I am aware of the absolute presence of God in my life. As I dance around the living room with Graesyn and have my heart melted by her glance, her smile and her laughter, the amazing thoughts that she shares— I know of no other explanation for the joy that she brings me than the existence of a supreme being artfully crafting my life’s plan. While my unborn baby girl thumps hard through the walls of Beth’s belly, brushing her father’s loving hand, I know that her existence is not solely by our union but through the grace of the Almighty. My beautiful wife has quickly become both my anchor and my engine. When the tide of temptation is high, she is a calming voice of reason, allowing me to remain steadfast in my faith. Still, in stagnant water, she provides the power that drives me forward.

Through my certainty, I am still challenged daily. I find comfort in submitting to His will. I gain solace by giving thanks for His many gifts and accepting my trials as part of His ultimate plan for my life. In my weakest hours, though I may not comprehend His will, I have faith.

Thank you, Lord, for my blessings; they bring me great joy. Thank you also for my misfortunes; they teach me how to grow.

 

 

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Gordita’s first birthday

 

I open the door after a long day at work. As soon as I speak I hear her chunky little arms and legs pass quickly against the hardwood floors as she makes her way from the play room, through the kitchen and into the dining room where our eyes finally lock. Our smiles are in sync as they take over our entire faces. Her teeth are growing quickly and she has this smile — so full of life and genuine happiness — that melts me away every time I see it. Two feet in front of me she gets on her knees and reaches out her hands toward me. She lets out a cry of joy as I bend over to pick her up in my arms. That is pretty much where my little gordita will remain until I put her down for bed.

 

Today is my daughter’s birthday. A year ago I was walking to work in the snow. I remember it so clearly because it was the only snow we had here in Asheville. I walked the whole way with my face straight up in the air and my tongue sticking out and catching snowflakes along the way. I hadn’t seen real snow in years. I felt youthful and full of life. It was a beautiful day. Little did I know, in a near by hospital, was being born a beautiful child who would forever capture my heart and completely alter the direction of my life.

 

Four months later, I finally met her. She cried instantly when I first held her in my arms as if to say, “not so easy mister, you missed out on the first four months so you’ve got some catching up to do.” But from that moment I knew she was my baby girl and I would love her forever.

 

She rules my heart completely and it is a great honor to have her as my daughter. I’m lying in bed with my wife, Beth, and had asked her to email me a picture of Sidney and I to post on here. As she searches, I hear her say, “god that little girl is amazing!” And I have the biggest smile on my face. That little girl IS amazing. Her laugh is the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard. It will cure the most morbid of depressions. She has these huge brown eyes that sparkle like the sun. Her hair is the most adorable hair you’ve ever seen. It’s thick, dark and curly — like a perfect doll. She is a beautiful angel. It is her heart, her soul, that really hook me, though. I truly believe that she and I were made for each other.

 

We are pregnant with our third child. Beth has expressed to me her fear that I will love her more or differently than our two girls Graesyn and Sidney. I understand the ration behind this fear, but the thing is, I couldn’t possibly love anyone more than I love those beautiful girls. I’ve learned that blood has nothing to do with love and family.

 

To my baby, Sidney Rae, on her first birthday, for showing me a capacity to love I never imagined possible. Though I missed the first four months of your life, I am eternally yours for the remainder of mine.

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I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes

It’s only September. The chill in the air is mind numbing. My lukewarm coffee steams my glasses as I lift the mug to my lips. In the distance, I can see Winter rapidly approaching, creeping up over the mountains like a fierce artillery preparing for battle. The times are changing. Signs of the inevitable death of the seasons of life are evident all around me.

I fear the cold as if it were that monster lurking in my closet when I was a small child, awaiting in terror for him to reveal his horrific capabilities. Where some see chestnuts roasting, hot coco with marshmallows, the joys of Christmas and the relief of a New Year; I see a claustrophobic lifelessness. I see the passing of another year of life — my birthday, which falls in the beginning of December — one year less closer to success. I see my dreams come and go like the seasons, once flowering and full of life, now frozen. I see the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.

I am trying to stay positive and see life for what it is, a series of moments, each one with the potential for happiness. This Winter will be like no other. I am Papa Bear and I have a family for which to care and protect. I must evolve and find strength.

I cannot change the seasons. What can I change? It would be easiest, yes, to bundle up inside and imagine the warmth of summer. Then the taste of cold will be that much bitter and life will pass me by as I await a warmer future. I’m tempted to see it as a battle of the optimist me and the pessimist me. No, I’m afraid I mustn’t be so abstract, as I am being now, with a grand metaphor, and instead find the realist buried under the mass masks of excuses. The winter is and so am I, and so we must coexist if we are to exist at all. Where there is cold, I must be warmth. Where there is death, I must be life. But! Where there is cold or death, I must recognize it as such, for life without death has no meaning.

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A series of fortunate events

Today is the greatest day of my life!

Not long ago I was sitting in my bedroom in Austin, Texas pondering my future. I was unhappy. Not with my myself or my life necessarily, I just felt empty. There was a void in my life and I knew I had to find the missing pieces. I thought and prayed and searched inside myself for answers. Many signs kept pointing me toward Asheville, North Carolina. Not a week later I decided to make the journey from Texas to Asheville on my Vespa to search for what had inexplicably been calling me here. After a few months of searching, I gave up and began to embrace a life of solitary and incompleteness.

Then, the most memorable day occurred. From my window I caught a glimpse of the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She arrived at my apartment to pick me up and I saw her from below, the woman I had dreamt of all my life. We had a most magical evening and from that day forward, I knew Beth was the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew she was the answer I had been searching for, the one god had created with me in mind and had led me to through my journey.

Today, and always, I see that I am the luckiest man alive. I have so much to be thankful for. I released all concern and completely followed my heart. I traveled two thousand grueling miles through complete uncertainty and confusion and found faith in god, truth in love, and confidence to trust in the will of my heart.

Beth is the most amazing woman. She challenges me to act beyond my capabilities of compassion, love and understanding. She supports my every dream and instills in me the confidence and guidance to achieve them. She has shown me a joy so plentiful I never imagined possible. She loves me with out conditions, in such a way that has created such an urgency to become the greatest man I can possibly be. She is the strongest woman I have ever known, and gives me the confidence and certainty that through all the trials that may come our way, we will prevail.

In just a few hours, she will give me the greatest honor of my life, by allowing me the privilege to serve as her loving husband. Many challenges lie ahead of me and I have a great duty to uphold. I have finally found the plan for my life and I walk with confidence knowing that I have the greatest friend and companion to forever share in all of my joys and sorrows.

A series of fortunate events have led me to find the greatest joy and happiness a man could ever ask for. I almost feel selfish to have been delivered such a wonderful gift. I pray everyone will experience the completeness and joy that I have found in my new family.

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A Lovely Weekend for Tending to the Garden

I’ve spent a great deal of time on this blog discussing love in various ways, of various subjects. Discussion is much easier than practice. Love is hard! Painful sometimes.

I try my best to always keep a positive outlook, to see the good in every situation. In doing so I often fail to acknowledge my shortcomings, of which I have many. Without such acknowledgement I am incapable of growth and unable of loving to my heart’s capacity.

Last night I did something I hadn’t done in a while. I was lying in bed next to the most amazing woman in the world, the love of my life, my soulmate. She had her back turned to me. She was rightfully upset with my display of selfish and immature behavior earlier in the evening. All too often when I make a mistake, when I do or say something hurtful, I become so frustrated with myself and with my foolish actions that I neglect the recipient of said actions. Instead of focusing my energy discovering ways in which to alleviate her suffering, I expend my energy transforming my self frustration into my own suffering. In this way, we both suffer and neither person is happy. Lying there, staring at her suffering back with my suffering eyes, I let go of everything and opened my heart completely to God.

I have the daily awareness to recognize such divine beauty which surrounds me in this world, and I am constantly reminded of His presence. Much more seldom is it, though, that I genuinely feel the presence of God and know that he is truly with me. Last night was one of those rare and beautiful occasions. I spoke honestly and openly with Him. In every way He has prepared me for the life with which he has blessed me. No matter the teacher, I have never been a good student and I often fail to be the man I am expected to be. I asked God for His forgiveness, for His guidance and strength, and then I thanked him for all the many blessings for which he has provided. I closed my eyes, lying there in silence as if I were waiting for something. My heart was racing as I began to weep. I became dizzy and the darkness began rapidly spinning.

“You have no control if your eyes are closed.”

I have been acting like the farmer who neglects his garden. Every year the farmer spends countless hours meticulously preparing his garden. He prepares the soil months in advance, adding nutrients and creating a perfect environment for his seeds to flourish. When it is time, he plants the seeds ever so carefully. He knows exactly which spots in his garden will receive the most water or the least amount of sunshine. He places the seeds appropriately and begins to water and fertilize them. He spends his days caring for his garden. He works from dawn until dusk ensuring that everything is in order for his fruits and vegetables to flourish. Then one day, just as the sun is setting, he looks out on his garden and sees that he has done well. His crops are already twice as big as those of his neighbors. Some of them have even begun to bear fruit. He smiles as he admires all of his hard work. That night he celebrates his accomplishments with his family. He rests well and even sleeps in far beyond sunrise the following morning. His hard work has begun to pay off and he sees his work is done. He leaves his garden to grow as he tends to other tasks. When harvest roles around, he runs out to his garden to pick from the fruits of his labor. He has already planned a delightful feast to prepare for his family. When the farmer returns to his garden he is greatly disappointed. His entire garden has been overrun with weeds. Many of his crops were suffocated by the weeds and he sees that he barely has enough food to feed his family. Every year this happens. Every year he expects different results. Instead of taking the time to rid the garden of weeds, the farmer spends even more time the following year preparing his soil and caring for his seedlings. He thinks he can avoid weeds altogether. But every year during harvest, the farmer loses another plentiful crop. He has all the tools to maintain the happiness achieved that moment in the sunset as he looks over his perfect garden. Yet he refuses to recognize that the hardest work must take place when everything seems perfect.

Weeds, I see, can be tenacious. But through hard work the miracles of life will prevail.

So much honey the bees envy me

Not long ago, I moved to Asheville, North Carolina. I rented out an old one-bedroom apartment above a funky yoga studio just a few blocks from the center of town. I arrived in this foreign city, without knowing a soul, as a shy and introverted man. I quickly forced myself to embrace this perceived feeling of absolute freedom. I did exactly what I wanted when I wanted. Outside of work I hadn’t a single time obligation. I began living the ultimate bachelor lifestyle.

How quickly times have changed…

I’m sitting on the deck of this quaint house in Hendersonville. I’ve been locked out here, forced to write on this blog by a woman whose support and encouragement is so grand that I am overwhelmed with thankfulness and appreciation. The most beautiful 4 year old girl is riding around on her bicycle in the yard below me. She waves as she passes by, whispering sweet secrets so her mother does not hear that she is distracting me from writing. Just behind the sliding glass door next to me, songs of laughter from a five month old angel fill my ear.

Just now, her mom came outside to check on me and refill my glass of wine. Tears instantly began to flow from my eyes. She crouched down next to me and held my face in her hands to comfort me. I am overwhelmed with joy and my emotions are high. As I sit here reflecting on my life, I realize that I haven’t been writing much lately because no words could justly describe the place which I’ve arrived.

The last time I wrote on my blog, I wrote of finding the love of my life, my soulmate. I swore I would never love another woman. Since then, though, I have fallen madly in love with two more women. With the flip of a switch, my life has gone from a bachelor’s dream to changing poop diapers. Last night, I had a serious conversation about which brand of bottles seemed to work best. I know the lyrics to Justin Bieber songs and have learned to invent a new bedtime story almost every night. I’ve cleaned up both vomit and diarrhea. The truth is I have never felt more freedom than I do now. I have never experienced more joy than I have at this moment. Solitude has been replaced with family. My spiritual journey has led me to a new found faith in god. I have seen his likeness in the love that I have for and that I have received from my girls. I have found my home.

Since I last wrote, the feelings of insanity have passed but the certainty has only increased. I have much to learn and often feel unworthy to have been handed such a wonderful gift. Though even in my stumbles, I find gratitude in the patience I have been shown and in their ability to encourage my growth. I am the luckiest man on earth. I have found everything I have ever wanted. I have everything I could possibly need. And I have a family who has been supportive and welcomed the new additions with open arms and hearts.

Understanding is the Essence of Love, or; Oh! There is a God Above.

I am sure it will be easy to question the sincerity of this post. I am so utterly confused myself and it’s reality does seem difficult to believe. This blog has helped me to realize that my greatest writing comes when I do not censor my thoughts, as I am so prone to do, but from when I speak directly from the heart. And it is – the blog – first and foremost a journal for me to explore and record moments of growth in my life – “One man’s journey toward awakening the heart and freeing the mind.”

My mind is so free and my heart so ridiculously awake right now.

I’m not even sure where to begin, or how to begin. Never before has such clarity cause such overwhelming confusion.

For as long as I can remember, this woman has been visiting me in my dreams. She is my dream girl. A first, it was very casual. She would appear once a year or so. She never looked or talked the same, but I always knew it was her the moment I saw her. There was a point, while I was living in Texas, that she would visit my nightly. We had the most amazing conversations. I would wake up in pain from smiling so much. Over time, I could wake up from the dream and fall right back into it. I could, and I would, do this for hours. I remember how insane I felt when I caught myself thinking, “I wish I could sleep forever.”

Yes, I realize how bizarre that must sound. But I couldn’t help it. And I had no interest in other women. I was madly in love with this figment of my imagination. I always sort of imagined how wonderful it would be if one day, she appeared in real life. And then, one day, she did.

I quite literally met my dream girl. There she was, standing in front of me, and my eyes lit up, my heart was so completely on fire. “There you are, I’ve been waiting for,” I thought. You know that feeling when you are searching for the right word but it won’t come to you, your mind just goes completely blank? It’s as if she is that word I’ve been searching for my whole life. All at once everything I’ve been thinking and feeling and saying makes sense. No, I think the analogy she used works best: “Its like wanting to see a ghost, to be able to know its authenticity. But then you actually see the ghost and are scared shitless.” I am scared shitless but so certain I’ve seen a ghost.

I feel like god had been listening to my thoughts and discoveries about love, about how to love, and he said, “Alright, hotshot, you talk a big game. Can you walk the walk?” He grabbed the little dream girl out of my head and placed her in front of me. Recently I posted some thoughts on love, titled “Maybe There’s a God Above.” And god responded, “Maybe?? I’ll make a believer out of him!” And so he presented me with the one person who shares such an exact understanding of and desire for all of the goals in love and life that I’ve been aspiring toward. We have begun at such a wonderful place of understanding, compassion and love have only to flow freely from our hearts.

I am at such a loss for words and I am having such a difficult time writing because for the first time in my life, my reality is so incredibly superior to the fantasy land from where my thoughts usually arrive.

Normally when I meet someone I begin instantly searching for ways to rule her out by searching for her flaws. It is so opposite here. Instead, I am reflecting on myself, searching for ways in which I can improve and grow, as, I see that she is flawless and deserving of someone comparable.

The more I continue to think and write on this, the more insane I feel. But it is because I am without doubt that I feel so insane. I wish I could find the words to explain this. If I were the greatest wordsmith, still only one would truly understand. And any way I could possibly choose to describe it, she’s known well before the words will ever arrive.

Recently, she said to me, “te amo, mi amor.” I thought to myself, “I had no idea she spoke Spanish!” But the translation of those words was clear to me the moment her eyes met mine that first time.

I am trying not to be afraid in all of this. And I assure you, if you saw me as I am now, smiling so completely from the inside out, you would not question my sanity. If I could find a away to accurately describe the dance that is taking place inside my heart at this very moment, it would be the greatest love story ever told.

Normally, it would be so much easier for me to conceal my emotions. I am rarely the type of person to share such feelings privately, much less in such a public manner, not this quickly. I have neither the will nor the desire to hide anything. With a glance, it is obvious that I am so helplessly and passionately in love with a woman who I am completely certain is my soulmate.

That’s all for now. I’ve a tremendous amount of walking to do. All at once, I find myself as the butt of the joke many have made regarding my blog’s title. I have so very much to do, and have found such a wonderful place to be.